Aug 16 (Day 18-21)

I haven't recorded anything for several days. Monday I went to the doctor. It was pretty discouraging. I thought I was doing pretty well; but he didn't think so. He basically told me that I had two weeks to get up to eating 1200 calories per day of balanced nutrition. That kind of scared me. He also told me that if there was a bell curve for recovery from this operation I would be "way over here" (pointing to the far left, in other words the flat line) and that he thought it would be a good idea to refer me to a GI doctor. He wants that dept. to know who I am and what my history is to that they can be prepared if this happens again. I guess that recovery tends to deteriorate with additional operations. Anyway, the whole thing made me pretty bummed out. But. . . he gave me a prescription that stimulates the stomach and upper intestines so that they move the food through faster. It's also an anti nausea medicine. I was a little afraid to take it after reading all of the warnings but my home nurse encouraged me and I'm glad I did. It helped me to be able to eat a lot more at a time without feeling sick. In fact, I kind of feel normal. I don't think I'm going to that the months of trying to eat and getting sick that I had last time. . . . Here's what I've eaten since Monday: Tuesday I had 1-1/2 cups smoothie made with 1 banana, Shapeway, and water for breakfast, 1 Yoplait yogurt for lunch, and 1 plain baked potato for dinner. Wednesday I had no breakfast, 1 Yoplait yogurt for lunch, and 3/4 cup cooked rice and 1/2 cup cooked peas for dinner. . . But I have not had a bowel movement since Sunday afternoon. Nothing but 3 tiny pieces (almost flecks) of stool. My left side aches. Last night I soaked in a hot bath and had Ashley give me a foot massage. Interestingly, the part of my foot that was the most tender was the area of my stomach. I don't know why that would be so. . . . [I wish I could figure out how to make this blog have paragraph breaks. It's so annoying]. .. . I'm discouraged. The real problem is that I'm tired of trying so hard. I just want to get on with my life. I know this is not a good way to be. That's why I knew I needed to write this morning. I have to figure out how I can get myself to work through this. I just want to wait it out... I keep thinking that because my side aches so much that my bowels are going to move soon on their own. Maybe they will. I probably should email my doctor and ask him if I should take a stool softener. But I don't want to. I dislike contacting doctors. I have an appointment with the GI doctor on Tuesday.. . .I hope I don't go back to being super constipated all the time. For some odd reason, my first abdominal surgery cured me of that. . . . Well, I better go have breakfast. To be completely honest, I don't want to. I'm kind of mad at myself because I should be super excited that I can eat without feeling nauseated. I just don't know what to do about no bowel movement. . . Maybe I'm not so bad after all. I keep thinking that maybe I'm a bad person and just don't want to get better so I'm finding something to be worried about. . . but I'm really just scared--scared that everything will get stuck inside me and scared that I'll get my hopes up and then I'll hit another wall. . . . Was it good to write all this down? I don't know. . .