The last two days have not been near what I need to do calorie wise. I am on my last bag of TPN which I will disconnect at 11:00. I am to report on my food log next Tuesday. Last Tuesday I fudged the numbers a bit because I know that I am ready physiologically to be off the TPN. But I don't know if it would be right to do that this week. The numbers are so far down. My dilemma is that my problem is more emotional than physiological. More accurately, emotional factors are affecting me physiologically and the result is a diminished ability to eat. After Lauren, Alysa's eating disorder counselor, brought up how important it is to find alternate coping skills when one is emotionally distraught, I have been more aware of trying to not fall into the habit of not eating when I am emotionally upset. Normally, I get diarrhea when I'm upset and lose the desire to eat. What I am experiencing now is a return to the full, watery, feeling that gets worse the more I eat. When I try to eat through it, I get sicker instead of better. Thus, my dilemma. I am afraid to eat a bunch of food because I don't want to get feeling worse. I had hoped to work toward resolving the situation that triggered this but that doesn't seem to be a viable option right now. Probably the best thing to do when the dietitian calls is to just be honest with her. Part of me doesn't want to be honest because I know she'll be unhappy with me and I'm afraid that she'll say I have to go back on the TPN. That makes me feel guilty because it's expensive for Kaiser (no out of pocket for me) and seems completely unnecessary. But if I am honest about expressing all of these feelings maybe she will let me continue off the TPN. . . . This is why I keep this journal. . . . writing these things down helps me to see what I should do. .. ..This whole topic is actually a subset of the bigger topic concerning what I can do to extend the life of my intestinal tract. I've learned several things. First, it is much harder for my body to recuperate from intestinal surgery than most. Second, my surgeon has made it pretty clear that people have more difficulty with each additional surgery. Third, as I get older my ability to fight back is not as strong. I have read and will continue to read and learn what I can about how to eat foods that are healthy and easy on my digestive tract, even though every Dr. I talk to tells me it doesn't really make a difference. Fourth, and most important for me to know, stress has brought on all three blockages. I have come to believe that, while adhesions are the cause of blockages, stress is the trigger that causes them to constrict and cut off my intestines. I think that if I can learn to be fully at peace and inwardly calm I can to more to reduce the need for future operations than I can doing anything else. I tend to internalize stress, particularly the kind of stress that comes as a result of friction (both overt and underlying) in close relationships. All three times my intestines closed off I was experiencing that kind of stress. The first time I didn't make the connection because the stress had been over a long duration. But the last two times the correlation was pretty obvious. I have realized that I need to be proactive in improving my relationship with those I live with and working on eliminating behaviors that trigger the kind of emotional response that is destructive. The logical relationship to start with is with my spouse so we have decided to seek counsel from a trusted friend and counselor. I don't have any idea what he will tell us but I know that it is both humbling and helpful to have someone to report to. The return and report doctrine is a true doctrine. Anyway . . . . I need to get to work but this has been very helpful. I started this blog as a way to take a step back and see my progress in realistic terms. It helps me to see what I need to do differently or what I need to continue doing.
Total calories=750-800 (2 boosts, 1 baked potato, 1/3 cup creamed asperagras)
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